As I do my best to remember the last five years, I am certain about one thing; I want to go back. Yes I want to go back to that first year, when our love was young and strong. When all I ever wanted was to sit in Your presence. All I wanted was more and more of You. I think about how tough my life was back then; struggling through college without a job, never certain about where next semester’s tuition will come from. But oh how happy and peaceful I was, trusting You even for daily provision. And oh boy, did You come through. Do You remember the “gas-miracle”? Of course You do, please do not let me ever forget. Do not let me ever forget how I drove my car to and from school for a week (A minimum of forty minutes everyday) with a petrol gauge that read “empty.” Do not let me forget that fateful Friday evening when the car finally stopped, I pulled over to the side of the road and called a friend. A friend who had slipped a $20.00 bill into my pocket earlier that day, and only then did I notice it was there.
Oh yes, my car finally stopped, but it did only when You had provided. Because I had told You I was not going to ask, and so this friend was not even aware of how literally broke I was, but for some reason decided to slip a $20.00 bill into my pocket when we hugged goodbye earlier that day. Oh how I wish I could go back to trusting You so blindly. The person I am now will not have entered that car and driven it with the lit up “empty” sign day after day.
I remember vividly the morning I first spoke in tongues. As those words tumbled from my lips, I knew they were not mine, so I got on my knees and just surrendered to You. How I came from someone who viewed tongue speaking as simply illogical, to one who craved for it, to one who begged for it, to one who received it, You best know how to explain. I just know it marveled me and I enjoyed it. It drew me even closer to You. Me who could hardly say a ten minute prayer could now pray for hours?!?! Wow. And back then, I prayed because I truly loved it. Not out of obligation/guilt, I loved spending time with You. I remember my cousin. I remember when she called her mom to complain about how my “loud” prayers woke her up every morning. Oh I did try to be quiet, but I just could not help it when You took over. Sadly, I hardly pray with such passion anymore.
And oh sweet Jesus, I remember the deliverance. How can I ever forget the deliverance? Deliverance from all sorts of demons I thought were parts of me. Remember how I will easily get offended and hold grudges for weeks, even months? I could not help it, it was my personality…or so I thought. But You changed me. Weaknesses I felt helpless towards, I could now look in the face and mock. I faced Satan and his artifices without fear, I was confident in Your love. You did this for me and all I did was nothing but love You. My darling, You made me a whole new person. Everyone noticed, I loved like I had never done before…because I loved through You. Why do I find it harder to love like that nowadays?
My Love, I look back at the last five years and I am in awe at all that You have done. The favor, the blessings, the breakthroughs. Even when I least deserved it. Oh Your love and mercy is something I will never be able to fully comprehend. I fell, oh yes, not once or twice, I seriously fell. Like a dog I returned to lick up my vomit. Feeling disgusted with myself every time and yet unable to keep my flesh from betraying me. Too guilty to get on my knees and face You, knowing Your Holy self could not dwell in the filth I had become. Plus the demon kept feeding my mind with thoughts of my unworthiness, so I let my body continue to play host to it. Then You intervened, You changed my circumstances so that I could see clearly again. See clearly, the way back to You. Like the prodigal son I returned clothed in nothing but unimaginable shame, and You were there, always there waiting with open arms. Satan has not given up though, I know You know he still throws bones my way, trying harder to get me to take the bait. By Your grace, I have learned from my mistakes. So I remain buried in Your Word, my Sword, everyday. Praying for strength in You, because I do not want to break Your heart ever again.
The best way I can describe the last five years with You is to liken it to a roller coaster ride; so many highs and lows…and many more in-betweens. Right now I am at an in-between, but it is not good enough. Here I am five years later, a young professional in a leading company in one of the best industries on the planet. I am blessed with an opportunity I never even knew existed until You placed it in my hands. I have so much to be thankful for and You best know the extent of my gratitude. I can never express enough appreciation for what You have done for me. And yet I know something is missing. I will gladly return to those tough years, if only I could love You the way I did then. Now, I am comfortable. I am “busy”. I am distracted. I am too self-conscious. Worried about what people will think/say and dangerously flirting with worldly ways. Well, today I say enough is enough. I want 2009 back. I want a solid high, a high that lasts for a lifetime.
The past five years have seen a lot of changes in my life, most of which have affected our relationship in one way or the other. But now I am mature enough to know I want consistency and so I want to rededicate myself to You, darling Husband. I want that first year back and this time I want it to last forever. Because if there is one thing I have learned in the past five years, it is that life with You is so much better. Everyday I see people bound/enslaved to one thing or another. Chasing after what will eventually not make them any happier. Turning their backs on You because accepting the world is so much easier. I am most grateful that You saved me from all that. You opened my eyes to what really matters. Opened my eyes to see all the strings Satan is pulling. To know that this world is much more than what the naked eye can see.
So I am about to be five years old. It is about to be our fifth anniversary, and I want to renew my vows. I love You. I am totally insanely in love with You Jesus, and I am thankful that You put that love in me. I cannot wait to be with You, but while I am here on earth I promise to do all I can by Your grace to live a life that passionately glorifies Your Holy Name in every aspect. I am going to enjoy life, and contrary to popular belief, I am going to enjoy it serving You.
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