What Does Good Parenting Look Like in 2020

Earlier this year, I got a job that requires me to periodically spend weeks away from home. Because it is a great opportunity and the travel is a temporary thing, I accepted the job. However, I have never spent so much time away from my daughter and the time away proved to be harder than I thought. It got me thinking a great deal about parenting.

Growing up in Cameroon (Central Africa) in the 90s, parenting looked very different. Providing for and disciplining your child was the most society expected of parents. Such parenting now seems so basic and inadequate, but it somehow proved to be effective. We can hardly argue with results; most of us actually grew up to be responsible and productive members of society. Most of our families in the 70s, 80s and even 90s may be labeled today as dysfunctional and abusive, but it is hard to ignore that for the most part the results were good. 

Today much more is expected of parents, which can no doubt lay up a lot of guilt and fear on us if we are not careful. Guilty about not being able to meet all these expectations, and fearful that our kids will be ruined if we do not meet all these expectations. Over the past 20-30 years, parenting (even among Africans) has changed significantly. Like almost everything else, globalization has westernized our approach to parenting. This influence has been positive in some ways, but in my opinion, it has been mostly negative. And that is evident in the character of today's typical young adult: Ungrateful, disrespectful, lazy and entitled.

Forgive me for being so harsh, but if you think about it you will see there is at least some truth in my last statement. In light of this, I knew I needed to think critically about the kind of parent I want to be. What kind of parent does God want me to be? The Bible of course is a good starting point to figure that out, and I found out it has lots to say on the subject. Before I get into that though, I would like to list a few things commonly misjudged as good parenting:

• Not spanking the child (of course not every kid needs to be spanked, but some definitely do!)
• Always letting the child have his/her way (just to avoid making them mad or creating a scene)
• Always giving your kids whatever is trending or whatever they ask for.
• Being a friend to your child at the expense of disciplining them. Some of us actually end up being scared of our kids. Sadly.

It is okay if you disagree with me on these. I am definitely not claiming to be absolutely right. I just hope this will motivate us to give parenting more thought. At the end of the day, as a Christian what matters most is what the Bible says. So going back to scripture, this is what I was able to put together to guide me on this parenting journey:

Proverbs 22:6 is very easily the most popular verse on parenting, it says: "Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." To me, this verse communicates three critical truths:

1. If we do our best to do our part in training, God is faithful to do His part in keeping that child from straying.
2. There is a God-given responsibility to raise every child right. A responsibility that is usually trivialized or ignored when it should be taken very seriously and prioritized.
3. Raising a child right is something that must be done intentionally. It does not just happen. One does not just "wing it" or do it passively.

As a parent Proverbs 1:8 speaks to me differently. It tells me that as a mother, it is my duty to give my child laws and instructions to be followed.

Ephesians 6:4 reminds me to be attentive and sensitive to the emotions of my child. I should be self-controlled for their good.

Hebrews 12:6-11 and Proverbs 22:15 clearly communicate that disciplining a child is not optional. In fact it is required of every parent who truly loves their child. And true discipline is never pleasant/enjoyable, but is always worth it at the end.

Jeremiah 1:5 tells me God has a unique plan for my child's life. Instead of being an obstacle to that plan, I pray and strive to help my child discover what that plan is. God knows my child intimately and I am only steward of her life.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells me I have to be committed and consistent when it comes to teaching my child. 

The Bible is packed full with verses and passages and stories we can glean wisdom and direction from as parents. For example, when I struggled with whether I have to choose between a successful career and being a good mother...I found the answer in the Bible. If I had to choose, then being a good mother would no doubt win. However, Proverbs 31 tells me it is absolutely possible to have both! ;)