3 Popular Well-intentioned LIES Africans Tell

 

Growing up in Cameroon, I was quite familiar with many popular sayings usually shared by well-intentioned individuals in an effort to give good advice. Most of these sayings have a lot of truth in them, but honestly some of them can end up being quite misleading. I would like to explore three of such.

Lie #1: The success of a marriage primarily depends on the wife.

"Na woman di make marret" is how it is typically said in Cameroon. Last time I heard that statement, I had an epiphany. I finally understood why most marriages in Cameroon seemed so empty and lacking in intimacy.  Growing up, I was never positively struck by any married couple. So as a young adult marriage was not something I specifically looked forward to, I just knew it was something you did at some point in life in order not to sin, or in order to meet the expectations of society. It was not until I moved to the US, got born-again and joined Christian community that I became exposed to marriages that made one long for that kind of intimacy/connection with another human being. 

A good woman can keep a couple together, but a great marriage depends primarily on the man. A tolerant and persevering wife will make the marriage survive, but not make it thrive. So, most marriages last on paper, but few are for real...best case scenario is to end up with a mutually beneficial partnership-friendship. Unfortunately most married people die without experiencing the richness and fullness of what marriage was created to be. Because that ultimately depends on the husband; it is a biblical principle.

Ephesians 5:22-33 commands the husband to love like Christ and the wife to submit like the Church. The love of Christ preceded the submission of the church. The love of Christ also transforms and empowers the church to submit completely. That love and subsequent submission creates a oneness that is so powerful, it is a mystery.

Disclaimer: I should add that an unloving husband is not an excuse not to submit, because as Christian women we submit in obedience to GOD first. It is not easy, but He always gives us the grace we need to obey Him. The same way a rebellious wife ought to be loved by her Christian husband.

Lie #2: Academic excellence guarantees success in life

There is no doubt a place for academic excellence, however Cameroon and many other African countries are full of A students who are barely productive, and who simply do not excel. Passing exams is not the ultimate test of intellectual capability. When it comes to success, something else has got to be more important than academic genius. In my opinion, these are TALENT and PASSION. Unfortunately, instead of helping our children discover what these are at a young age, most of us parents focus all our energy only on making sure they get good grades, get into the university and study something "safe".

"If you want to make it in life, go to school and pass your exams." is the advice most of us received at one point or another. For me, time and exposure has proven the falsehood of that statement. In my opinion it more truthful to say: "if you want to make it in life discover your gifts early enough, and develop them." after all Proverbs 18:16 says a man's gift will open doors and take him to great places. It makes sense, right? Who wouldn't excel in what they are gifted at?

Lie #3: It is a biblical command for children to provide for their parents.

This is a touchy and controversial one. So let me start by saying this: Exodus 20:12 clearly commands us to HONOR our parents, and obeying this commandment has the promise of long life attached to it. So, if you want to live long it is not something you want to trivialize. Appreciating your parents is one of the best ways to honor them. And if your parents are in need, doing your best to help meet that need is an even greater way of honoring them. Besides, it is also the Christian thing to do...we are commanded to help those in need whether they are our parents or not. 

Having said that, I can now further elaborate on this third lie. Yes, I believe that biblically, children are not commanded to provide(financially) for their parents. Rather, parents are expected to leave an inheritance for their children (Proverbs 19:14, 2 Corinthians 12:14). This principle is evident in most Old Testament stories. Raising kids should not be approached as an investment. This lie is the reason why in raising kids many African parents subconsciously expect something in return. And when this expectation is not met, bitterness and contention ensue. The point I am making here is: very few Christian African parents see it as a biblical duty to make an effort to leave an inheritance for their children. 

To conclude, I definitely applaud everyone who recognizes and appreciates their parents by showering them with gifts. It pleases God and should be encouraged as long as it is done freely and not from a place of coercion/manipulation. I pray for grace not to raise my kids expecting them to reward me for it eventually, because Christian parents should be intentional about doing their best to not have to depend on their kids, but rather leave them something that will allow them more easily pursue their talents and passions.

Do you have any personal experience with one or more of these lies? Or do you disagree? Please feel free to share in the comment section below. We all learn everyday :)