The Question of Submission in Marriage

In the past couple of years I have been challenged to investigate what submission in marriage really is. I know I briefly discussed it in the post I wrote on 3 Popular Well-intentioned Lies Africans Tell, but I felt I ought to write more extensively on it because most Christians in conservative societies struggle to grasp a biblical understanding of submission. Culture has no doubt done a great job twisting this portion of Scripture to its advantage.

This post is an attempt to summarise my findings thus far. I am fully convinced that even now in 2024, in our dispensation and in this modern generation, nothing has changed when it comes to how wives are called to submit to their husbands. It is still a beautiful display of the Gospel, though we have corrupted it with religion and culture.

When it comes to submission in marriage, the go-to text for most Christians is in Ephesians 5.

Ephesians 5:23-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Please note how the writer IMMEDIATELY points to the MODEL to be followed when it comes to this command; Christ and His Church. When we look at it from this perspective, the right interpretation is impossible to distort, even through the lens of culture.

The following three points capture what I consider a basic biblical understanding of submission in marriage.

1. Submission is an acknowledgement of authority

If there is one thing God does not joke with, it is authority. Several stories in the Old Testament illustrate that. There are consequences to disregarding or dishonoring authority, as clearly stated in Romans 13:1-2.

Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. (NKJV)

When a woman decides to get married, she is making a decision to add an authority in her life. The same responsibility she has to honor God, church leaders, her parents, and even government leaders, from the moment she gets married she now has toward her husband. 

Whether he is deserving of it or not.

Submission is not optional because it is an instruction FROM GOD. It is indeed infinitely easier to submit to Christ-like love, but wives are commanded to also submit to unbelieving husbands (1 Peter 3:1). Immature and foolish husbands as well by extension. But NOT abusive husbands, because safety always comes first. That is wisdom. Remember, separation is NOT divorce.  

2. Submission is impossible without humility

Submission is especially difficult because it forces us to be humble. Being able to humble oneself is however a very valuable life skill. Philippians 2:3-8 says:

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. (NKJV, emphasis added)

Pride and submission cannot go together. Submission comes easily to those who have mastered the art of being humble. Note that pride has a tricky way of hiding itself in our lives. We must be intentional about inspecting our hearts regularly. In "The Deadliest of Them All" I list out eight common ways pride manifests itself, I still use those to evaluate myself.

3. Submission is not independent of headship

Jesus Christ did not leave us in the dark when it comes to what godly leadership is. By example and with His words, He clearly communicated what Christian leadership ought to look like.

Mark 10:42-45

But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (NKJV, emphasis added)

Most husbands view submission in marriage in one of three ways:

1. Indifference usually from ignorance or lack of interest.
2. A tool to use to be controlling and to always get their way (exercise authority)
3. An opportunity to be the kind of servant leader a woman will gladly follow.

The church's wholehearted submission to Christ is A RESULT of Christ's sacrificial love and headship. Not the other way round. This is the only way a couple can experience the beauty of a true Kingdom marriage. When a wife submits for a reason other than Christ-like love, it could keep the marriage together, but it will never produce that supernatural oneness that mirrors Christ and His Church.

A wife's submission is typically driven by one of three things: Love(from her husband), Obedience (to God), or Manipulation (by culture). The fruit of a marriage can help you determine which one is at work. Are BOTH spouses fulfilled, loved, and satisfied? Is there complete spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy? There are a lot of submissive African wives but not many model African marriages.

For those wives struggling with submission, ask God for help. The Holy Spirit is always there, our faithful Helper, Comforter, and Advocate, especially when dealing with a difficult husband, trust God to take care of you as You obey Him. He will fight for you, and maybe even deliver you, just like He did for Abigail (1 Samuel 25).