How to Effectively Manage Relationships

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Matthew 22:36-40 (NKJV)“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

The second greatest commandment is all about relationships, but how many of us in church are intentional about managing our relationships properly? The Bible is very clear and redundant on the importance of living peacefully with each other, but unfortunately many of us are passive about it.

Romans 13:8-10 (NKJV) Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Galatians 5:14 (NKJV) For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

So basically, when we focus on LOVE, obeying God completely happens easily as a result. So what is this love that we are supposed to have for each other? True love is not expressed in words alone, but in the ACTIONS that validate the truth of those words. 

James 2:16 (NKJV) If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit?

1 John 3:16-18 (NKJV) By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) is a timeless illustration of the what it means to love, and how showing love to each other should always be PRIORITY.

Loving our neighbors is all about successful relationship management. Unfortunately, most of us are not intentional about how we handle our relationships. It is easy to forget that there is a Christian standard when it comes to how we relate to each other. And that standard is communicated to us in almost every epistle in the Bible. Based on what the Bible has to say on the topic, there are three main things that destroy relationships: OFFENSE, GOSSIP, and NEGLIGENCE.

THREE MAIN RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

Ephesians 4:31(NKJV) Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 

This is a good verse to use for self-evaluation. Google will give you more to add to this list of characteristics of poor relationships. All of these are basically symptoms or consequences of OFFENSE, GOSSIP, or NEGLIGENCE.

The Danger of Offense

  • The word of God commands us to be slow to anger for a reason (Proverbs 16:32, James 1:19-20)
    • Proverbs 19:11 (NKJV) The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression
    • Offense is what happens when we get angry and are unable to overlook a transgression.
  • Dictionary's definition of Offense:
    • "Annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself."
    • Offense is also result of disappointed or unmet expectations.
  • Offense is how the Enemy (1 Peter 5:8) traps many mature believers.
  • Offense is how the Enemy gets access to our lives (Ephesians 4:26-27)
    • You will be surprised at the number of blessings offense can hold back.
  • The first step to dealing with this issue (just like other issues) is acknowledgment. Acknowledge that it is something you struggle with. As long as we are in denial, we remain trapped. 
  • How do we know we are offended? or prone to offense?
    1. Emotion - anger, silent treatment, irritation.
    2. Thoughts of retaliation.
    3. Record keeping - hardly ever missing an opportunity to bring up past wrongs.
  • How do we overcome this propensity to be offended?
    • Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
    • Pray about it... it takes the special grace of God to be slow to anger.
    • Forgive quickly... do not wait for an apology.
    • Forbearance (tolerating each other's weaknesses)
    • Repay evil with good - Do not be vengeful.
      • Romans 12:21 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
    • Choose the right MINDSET: What paradigm am I using to view/analyse a situation?
      • A paradigm is a way of looking at something.
      • Choose to see God's hand even in the most unfair and painful situations (Romans 8:28)
  • At the end of the day, offense is a choice - choose love - love is what makes it easy to overlook offense.
    • Proverbs 10:12 (NKJV) Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins.

The Deception of Gossip

  • Gossip is prevalent even in the church because its destructive nature is usually not obvious.
  • Choosing NOT to gossip is choosing to cover a transgression. It is a way of showing love.
    • Proverbs 17:9 (NKJV) He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.
  • Gossip destroys relationships... it never yields good fruit, so therefore it is never justified.
    • Proverbs 16:28 (NKJV) A perverse man sows strife, And a whisperer separates the best of friends.
  • Gossip will almost always include the weakness of a single-sided story. Gossip is never an accurate representation of the truth.

The Impact of Negligence

  • Remember that the following principles apply to almost all areas of life:
    • No effort = regression
    • Minimal effort = maintaining current state
    • Optimal effort = progression
  • Negligence will always have a negative effect, it is not harmless
  • Negligence in relationships is typically the result of these three things:
    1. Ignorance: Many people do not know that relationships require maintenance.
    2. Laziness: Most people are not keen on putting in the work required to maintain good relationships
    3. Stubbornness: Due to strongholds (wrong mindsets), there are some people who just reject biblical truth about relationships in exchange for more appealing or more convenient lies the enemy has sold them through culture or religious doctrine.

Now that we are aware of the things we should watch out for in relationships, let us examine what we can actively do to avoid these things. To successfully manage our relationships, we must make use of these four tools: Peace-making, Wisdom, Humility, and Divine help.

FOUR TOOLS FOR SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

The Importance of Peace-making

  • Peacemakers are blessed (Matthew 5:9)
  • It is one of the most powerful ways to reflect the nature of God.
  • Effective peace-making starts with forgiveness... and there is no limit to the number of times we have to forgive. (Matthew 18:21-35)
  • Lack of peace affects our worship - think Cain and Abel.
    • Matthew 5:23-24 (NKJV) Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
  • Peace-making is not passive. It requires intentional effort.
    • Hebrews 12:14 (NKJV) Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord

The Need for Wisdom

  • When it comes to managing relationships, we NEED wisdom. It is impossible to succeed at relationships without wisdom to understand and navigate human interactions.
  • Wisdom does not happen accidentally… it must be intentionally pursued. We pursue wisdom in three main ways:
    1. Pray for it (James 1:5)
    2. Study Scripture - The book of Proverbs is a good place to start.
    3. Get counsel - be humble and willing to learn from others.

The Power of Humility

  • Every good relationship requires humility
  • Keep in mind that the root of offense is PRIDE. When offended make it a habit to try and identify the reason why. Once we can identify pride as the root cause, it is easier to overlook the offense and forgive.
  • It takes humility to acknowledge one's wrong and to sincerely apologize.
  • It takes humility to be vulnerable.
  • Being humble starts with the MIND... let us learn from Jesus and renew our minds accordingly.
    • Philippians 2:3-5
  • Remember that pride is dangerous but humility attracts blessings. Humility is always rewarded.
    • 1 Peter 5:5-6 (NKJV) Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

The Availability of Divine Help

  • The Holy Spirit is available to help us do the right thing (be humble, forgive, make peace etc) in our relationships. He truly is our ever present Helper. 
    • John 14:16-17 (NKJV) And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—  the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. 
  • Intentionally and specifically ask for help- Hebrews 4:16
  • Remember Philippians 2:13 and trust God to empower you to obey as you submit to the authority of His word.

DISCLAIMERS

  • Boundaries are sometimes necessary. Someone who harms your Christian walk should not be kept close. Not all good relationships should be intimate.
    • Matthew 5:29 (NKJV) If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
    • Relationships should never be at the expense of spiritual, physical, or mental well-being. 
  • Scripture over culture when it comes to defining what is right.
    • Use wisdom to discern when culture is driving a relationship instead of Scripture.
  • It is possible to be coached or mentored to have good relationships. Do not disregard results (good fruit) in the life of another person… be humble enough to acknowledge and learn from them.
  • LOVE and LIKE are not the same. We are called to love all but we cannot like all.
    • Jesus loved the pharisees, but He definitely did not like them.
    • Our differences (especially in values) are the reason why we are not able to like everyone.
  • Love does not mean overlooking or tolerating sin. 
    • Let us learn again from Jesus and the Pharisees. He loved them but did not hesitate to criticize their wrongdoing.
I will end here, hoping this has blessed you even in the smallest way.




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